


Kakeru Is a Bad Salesman but They Still Say Yes

by Giamialia



Category: Fruits Basket (Anime 2019)
Genre: Abuse, But just like Fruits Basket normal level of hurt, I probably need to just start writing fan fiction to heal, I wrote this in one 5 hour sitting and didn't edit, I've regressed so much as a writer during Covid it's not even funny, M/M, Manabe Kakeru's Earrings, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Suspend your belief ok its kinda unrealistic, Underage Drinking, What tense is this in???, maybe bad writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28661307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giamialia/pseuds/Giamialia
Summary: “I think we should get smashed.”‘Bad sales pitch’...The words hung in the air like a noxious gas.Kakeru kept smiling.Machi and Yuki looked at him in a shocked stupor.Kakeru kept smiling.Machi and Yuki glanced at one another with the blankest faces Kakeru had ever seen.Kakeru Kept Smiling.Machi and Yuki looked back at him.Kakeru fiddled with the red stud in his ear.
Relationships: Kuragi Machi & Manabe Kakeru, Kuragi Machi & Sohma Yuki, Manabe Kakeru/Sohma Yuki
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Kakeru Is a Bad Salesman but They Still Say Yes

**Author's Note:**

> Ok.... So, I've never written any like actual fanfiction before (the Drinny smut on fanfic.net from 8th grade doesn't count and also makes me kinda wanna cry sooo) However, here is a Fruits Basket fic cause this fandom doesn't have enough content :( also Kakeru made my brain go burrrr so like I wrote this all in one five hour sitting <3

Kakeru had found a bottle of alcohol. _Kakeru_ had found a bottle of _alcohol_. A bottle of Shochu to be exact.

He gripped the bottle in his arms and did a little squirmy dance in celebration because on this glorious day he had finally done it, he had found his mother's secret alcohol “collection”. Although, it couldn’t really be called a collection, being one measly bottle.

He knew that his mother only ever kept one bottle in the house which she carefully hid away in her room so that Kakeru wouldn’t find it and he would be offended at the lack of trust if he hadn’t gone searching for the bottle for the express purpose of drinking it.

Nonetheless, Kakeru had found a bottle of Shochu and with his mother out of town for the foreseeable future he was already planning what he was going to do with it. Alas, he had a goal. A purely altruistic goal that would help his closest friends (and amuse him to no end but that’s beside the point). His plan would be tough and there were many obstacles in the way of him reaching his ultimate goal but he would persevere.

He would get Machi and Yuki so drunk that they both forgot about their “traumatic backstories” TM and if he got to laugh his ass off in the process… well… that was just an added bonus. Kakeru pulled out his phone, infinitely glad that he had convinced Yuki to get one of his own, and shot off a quick text which would, hopefully, make the two of them rush to his aid.

* * *

 **Yun-Yun** 💞✨💎💖

_23 hours ago_

Student Council <3333

Hurry!!! I’m bored :,(

Coming.

_Now_

YUN-YUN!!! Quick! You have to come over!

I just learned something horrible about Machi!

* * *

 **Sister Dearest** 👑📚

_2 days ago_

Machi Machi Machi Machi Machi

Machi Matcha Mahic MAsui Mahic

Maschi Machi Mahsic Machi Majic

Die

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!

_Now_

Machi! You need to come over right now.

I just learned something horrible about Yuki

* * *

‘That should do it,’ Kakeru thought, slipping his phone back into his jean pocket. Now all he had to do was wait. Eventually, they would see his message and rush over like the nice and kind little friends they were, worried about the other, and in doing so would fall into his trap.

Soon enough there was a knock on his door. Kakeru stood to answer too fast tripping over himself in the process and stubbing his toe hard on the edge of the chabudai. He went down cursing. Luckily, it was just Machi who just let herself in like the disrespectful gremlin that she was.

“Tadaima,” she called out as she circled around into the living room Kakeru was currently laying in, “is your mom home?”

“What?! You’re not even going to mention me down here? Not even going to ask your dear Nii-San if he’s ok?” Kakeru wasn’t shocked that she hadn’t commented, that was just how she was, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it.

Machi just sniffed.

“I’ll take that as a no for your mother then?” Machi said, stepping around his prone form to take a seat at the chabudai. Kakeru popped up from the ground and crawled over to join her in what would appear to be the gangliest way possible perhaps like a baby deer or a very drunk giraffe.

“Yeah, she’s out of town for the weekend, so it’s just me here,” he said with a nod and a long stretch that popped his spine.

“Ok.” Machi rolled her eyes at his awkward movements, “What were you talking about in your text? About Yuki?”

“Oh, ye-”

‘Well fuck,’ Kakeru thought, ‘I really didn’t think this through.’ He didn’t actually have anything to say about Yun-Yun AND he didn’t know how he was actually going to convince Machi and Yuki, two of the most straight-laced people he knew, to drink with him. Like a gift from the gods, his phone dinged with a message saving him from having to answer.

Fumbling for his phone in his pocket he very smoothly dodged Machi’s question. On the screen, there was a text from Yun-Yun💞✨💎💖 which simply said “address” an address which Kakeru sent in about 10 seconds but continued to look down at his phone for another solid minute pretending to text. When he received a quick “Be there in five.” from Yuki he breathed a sigh of relief.

Now all Kakeru had to do was hold out five minutes without Machi leaving and then he could try to explain to them together what he wanted to do. Surely, if he told Machi now she’d just leave, but maybe, just maybe, if Yun-Yun were here she’d feel compelled to stay longer and hear him out. Looking up Kakeru smirked, he could do this.

“So Machi,” he said, “what were you saying before.”

“I wanted to know why you called me out here,” Machi said in what to anyone else would have sounded like a perfectly civil tone but which Kakeru knew to be a threat to his life if he didn’t comply soon.

“Ohoho well,” Kakeru giggle-chuckled, ‘guckled,’ he thought to himself and nearly began what would have been a true guffaw if Machi hadn’t caught on to the beginning of the hysterics and cut him off with a quick glare, “you see… uhh… I just need a minute to get my thoughts together. What I learned was just terrible. Maybe you need some tea to handle it?!”

With that Kakeru stood up and turned toward the kitchen, the tatami beneath his feet making a soft schwip sound as he went. ‘I’m so dumb, I’m so dumb, I’m so dumb’ ran on loop inside his head. What was he doing?

He had never made Machi tea in his life. Not when she destroyed things, not when she had cried in front of him (just once and he doesn’t even think she really knew what she was doing, doesn’t really think she knew she was crying in the first place), he hadn’t even made her tea when she had come over near-catatonic and just… sat there, for an hour, staring at the wall.

Machi was definitely suspicious now if she hadn’t been before and he was so dumb. ‘Nothing to do about it now,’ he thought looking at the time on his phone. 4ish more minutes and god why was time moving so slow? Kakeru felt like crying or maybe hiding in his room until Yuki showed up (maybe even after Yuki showed up if he looked especially reproachful today).

At least making tea took up time, surely by the time he was done Yuki would have shown up and they could get this show on the road. It all would have worked out too had Machi not decided to follow him into the kitchen. The kitchen where the Shochu bottle was sitting damningly on the counter.

“Doesn’t your mom not keep alcohol in the house?” Machi asked with an eyebrow quirked.

‘Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck stall stall stall stall stall’ Kakeru’s mind nearly screamed. “Wow I-Mou-Tooo,” he exclaimed with his dumb little smile, “I didn’t know you could do the eyebrow thing! I can never do it.” He wiggled his eyebrows up and down showing how they always moved together.

Machi looked unimpressed. She went to open her mouth, Kakeru could already hear the accusation when the doorbell rang. All the air rushed out of Kakeru’s lungs at once and he smiled brightly at Machi before heading to the door.

Kakeru was expecting Yuki at the door. What he wasn’t expecting was Yuki at the door in tight skinny small tight skin tight compression pants. The air which he had previously been able to release rushed back into him with vengeance. Kakeru felt like his brain was melting. He was sure Yuki could see little bits of brain matter pouring out of his ears, and wait, was his nose bleeding? All of these thoughts came very very secondary to Yuki in compression pants, under basketball shorts and a light blue hoodie but compression pants, all the same, he had clearly been out running when he got the text and Kakeru was gonna die.

Today is the day Manabe Kakeru passes away. He’d had a good run, he had kissed girls, listened to good music and had a kind mother after all the mess during his childhood. Honestly, going out now because the prettiest boy he’d ever seen was wearing way too tight to be real compression pants and his thighs and calves were mmm what could generally be classified as watermelon crushable, it wasn’t a too bad way to go.

‘Ok, Kakeru wipe the spit off your chin your gay is showing’ Kakeru’s much more sensible side thought. Kakeru’s brain tuned back into reality after it’s brief stint in “ohh hot boy” land just in time to catch the end of Yuki’s question.

“...happened?” Yuki asked, “Is Machi alright? Are you alright?” And ok, this is part of what Kakeru liked so much about Yuki. He cared, he cared so much about everyone, and he doubly cared about his friends. What guy wouldn’t like someone who heard that there was “something horrible” going on with their sister and immediately came over to make sure everything was good?

“Uhh... Yeah… Yeah,” Kakeru stuttered out but suavely, he did everything with Yuki suavely, and no, he did not take critiques, “everything’s fine. Here, come in. Machi’s inside. I need to talk to you two.”

Kakeru led Yuki into the kitchen where the half-filled kettle that he never finished with and bottle of Shochu sat side by side, Machi sitting on a stool next to both.

‘Just breathe, you can do this, how hard can it be honestly?’ Kakeru thought to himself gearing up for his big sales pitch his signature dumb little Kakeru smile in place. He directed Yuki to the seat next to Machi and circled around the counter so he could look at them, bottle of Shochu sat between them all like a table bouquet.

Honestly, this felt a little weird. Kind of like he was asking them for a threesome. Which was wrong in so many ways, Machi being his sister sitting at number one on the list surrounded by stars and exclamation points. Trying to erase these thoughts from his brain entirely Kakeru grabbed the bottle of shochu and opened it in one movement

“I think we should get smashed.”

‘Bad sales pitch’

.

.

.

The words hung in the air like a noxious gas.

Kakeru kept smiling.

Machi and Yuki looked at him in a shocked stupor.

Kakeru kept smiling.

Machi and Yuki glanced at one another with the blankest faces Kakeru had ever seen.

Kakeru Kept Smiling.

Machi and Yuki looked back at him.

Kakeru fiddled with the red stud in his ear.

Yuki snorted and banged his head against the counter. “So,” he began, “how’d he get you here Kuragi-San?” He didn’t lift his head from the countertop.

Machi lifted her phone up, the text from Kakeru up on the screen. Yuki tilted his head from where it was laying on the table to look and smiled his danger smile (oh god Kakeru really really liked his danger smile).

“Manabe,” he said lightly, “your message implies something is wrong, likely in an attempt to make me come fast by worrying me. If you ever do something like this again I will murder you.”

‘Oh I’d let you murder me, I’d let you murder me so hard, and I don’t have to send any message to make you come fast’ Kakeru thought in a daze. Yuki was so pretty when he was threatening his life and Kakeru’s mind was a dark dark place.

“Awwww Yun-Yun,” Kakeru whined, “but it’s so much easier to get you here that way. You’re no fun! Sooooooooo, is that a yes to drinking?”

Yuki sighed. Machi sighed. Kakeru smiled.

Surprisingly, Machi was the first one to speak up.

“You know what. Fine. We don’t have school tomorrow. You dragged me all the way out here. Just. Fine. I don’t care anymore.” she said.

‘Ohhh this was going to be so good,’ Kakeru thought. At this point even if Yuki said no it was going to be a super fucking good night where he got Machi to talk about things she would never usually talk about like her opinion on topics and if she ever actually has seen Mogeta. Still, Yuki being added to the mix would be the cherry on top of his sundae and boy did he wanna eat that cherry.

Kakeru looked at Yuki probingly. He even pulled out the puppy dog eyes which very rarely saw the light of day as his mom was no longer influenced by their cuteness. Yuki looked back and forth between Kakeru, Machi, and the bottle of Shochu before exhaling what looked like all the pride he had. Kakeru brightened.

“Ohohohohohohohoho,” Kakeru, very attractively, chortled, “this is going to be so good!”

Yuki jerked his head up and Kakeru could physically feel his ire. “I haven’t even agreed to anything yet!” he nearly shouted.

“But you were going to! You were going to say ‘Oh yes dearest Kakeru my best friend. I want to get absolutely sloshed with you and Machi tonight and have an amazingly awesome and fun time with Kakeru my best friend’ and then you were going to dramatically take a swig from the bottle” Kakeru said dramatically taking a swig from the bottle to illustrate his point.

Alas, maybe Kakeru was too cocky (story of his life). The Shochu wasn’t exactly nice tasting and it burnt on its way down his throat causing him to sputter. Thankfully he had already swallowed his entire mouthful or else that would have been more embarrassing than it already was. He was going to die. He had just done something embarrassing in front of his crush and his sister. Two of the worst people to be embarrassing in front of.

Yuki snorted, which holy fuck how can somebody be attractive while SNORTING and Machi didn’t do anything but he could tell she was laughing at him with his sibling intuition (the intuition all siblings have that tells them when a sibling is making fun of them and also causes them to occasionally hit their sibling in the face with a pillow for no reason).

Kakeru was embarrassed, he was, but the worst thing to do was show blood to the sharks, so he just smirked at the two of them while saying “You two laugh now, but I doubt you’ll be any better.” he said, swinging the bottle teasingly in their faces.

Machi grabbed the bottle.

* * *

“I fucking…” Machi hiccuped and giggled, Giccuped, which was infinitely funny, and set her off into more hiccuping giggles, “Giccuped. Hehehehe.”

“What?” Kakeru said from his spot on the floor, “The fuck is a Giccuped.”

Yuki looked at Kakeru in despair. “It’s a---It’s a--- you know a hiccup where you giggle too as well dumbass. How do you not know this?”

“How do _you_ know this?” Kakeru said while taking another swig from the quickly emptying bottle of Shochu.

“Both of you shut the fuck up!” Machi squeaked, outraged, rolling towards their voices, “I fucking hate my dad so much. He’s just such a fucking- fuck- fucking douchebag.”

“Yeah,” Kakeru agreed nodding sagely.

“It’s like. Why the fuck would he do that? He could’ve just not. Or like split it, split the inherei-inheriance. He didn’t have to. He could have not. And my mom could’ve not. And your mom could’ve not. And we we could’ve been like real siblings. Not competititiors.” Machi was crying. Kakeru handed her the bottle, still nodding. He had been doing that for a while. His neck kind of hurt.

“Your dad sounds fucked.” Yuki said, he looked sad.

“Your whole family feels fucked.” Kakeru piped up in Machi’s stead (she was very busy choking on her tears and the bottleneck).

Yuki laughed, Kakeru liked his laugh.

“My mom sold me,” Yuki said, still laughing. Kakeru didn’t really like the laugh right now.

He made a sound like he was pained before responding “Noooooo,” he said, “why would she do that? That’s so- That’s so messed up.”

“It wasn’t thaaaaat bad,” Yuki said with a frown, “It was just to our clan head. Honestly, fuck Akito, he was the real bitch. He like- He like uhhh- locked me in this room and like said I was like seeing things and lied to me a lot like fuck that guy.”

Kakeru made another pained noise. He didn’t like this, he didn’t like this one bit. They weren’t forgetting about their tragic backstories, they were remembering them. This wasn’t working. His plan. But that was ok he could wing it. ‘Yeah, ok, new plan’ he thought while standing up.

“Oy!” Kakeru shouted while clapping his hands, “You two! Get up! We’re gonna go on a trip really quick.” Machi and Yuki looked at him in confusion.

“Come on come on come on come on come on. Get up this is going to be so much fun. Get your butts up.” Kakeru complained. This time Machi and Yuki stood unsteadily to their feet.

“Ok let’s go,” Kakeru said, ushering them to the door. Somehow Kakeru who was just as drunk as Machi and Yuki was able to get the two into their shoes and out the door. He was a man on a mission. His friends, well, sister and boy who he’d like to fuck the brains out of (or let fuck the brains out of him) and then buy a pastry and a coffee for, were in distress and he was going to help them.

In a feat that had no way of happening without the gods blessing, all three of them made it to a bridge a 10-minute walk away from his house (although, it took them more like 30 with all their detours) unharmed.

“Kaaaakeruuuuuu! What’re we doing here?” Yuki whined.

‘Holy fuck he said my name and holy fuck the way he said it sounded very very very very much sexual oh god this is the final straw this is how I die’ Kakeru’s mind raced. He felt like he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs and his mouth was filled with saliva. There is a point in every person’s life where they feel a beautiful emotion called “well, fuck it” and this moment was Kakeru’s.

He kissed him. Smack dab on the middle of the lips while drunk on a bridge with his sister there. “Oh wait fuck my sister’s here.’ He thought distantly, alas, when your lips are on Sohma Fucking Yuki’s not many other thoughts really hold much weight.

Yuki kissed back. It was nice. As nice as a first kiss between two drunk people one of which wasn’t even expecting it while the others sister watches can be.

“Ew ew ew ew ew.” Machi cried hands over her eyes. “Please stop.” They pulled back.

Kakeru was smiling. Yuki was blinking over and over again like he couldn’t quite believe what he was seeing.

“What was that,” Yuki said, tone part amused, part dazed, and part very very drunk.

“I don’t really know,” Kakeru blushed, Kakeru didn’t think he’d ever blushed in his life, “I think you’re really kind and nice and pretty and did I say kind and I just really wanted to kiss you. Sorry.”

“You don’t… You don’t have to say sorry. It was nice.” Yuki said with a smile in his voice.

Kakeru laughed out an “ok.” He was damn near glowing. He felt like he was going to die but in a good way, a very very good way. Somehow he had just kissed Yuki, perfect pretty president Yun-Yun and Yuki had said it was ok, that it was nice.

“Alright, you two can you do this when I’m not with you?” Machi questioned before turning to focus on Kakeru, “If I ask you why we’re here are you going to kiss me?” she asked.

Kakeru hated to do it but he had to separate from Yuki. He had to. It was in the sibling code. If your sister was being a jackass you have to hit them. You just gotta and he did and it was glorious.

“Well sister dear, first of all, your hair is really greasy,” Kakeru said, wiping his hand on his jeans post whack (ew sister germs), “second of all, we are here for some much-needed therapy. This is a fun little therapy bridge and on this fun little therapy bridge, you and Yun-Yun are going to scream your troubles away. So, you’re gonna tell your fucked up families exactly why they’re super fucked and why they need to stay the fuck away from you, and then you’re going to tell them to fuck off.”

“That was a lot of fucks.” Yuki said.

“Yeah, no, I’m not doing that,” Machi said at the same time, turning to walk away. Kakeru was definitely not letting her do that and grabbed her around the middle dragging her back.

“Come on,” he said, “just two minutes. Just yell and shout for two minutes and then I promise to never bug you to do this again. Maybe you’ll feel better. Maybe you won’t. Please just do it?” Kakeru looked at Machi with his puppy dog eyes hoping she would take him up on his offer.

“Fine, whatever,” Machi grumbled walking over to the bridge railing. She took in a deep breath of air then screamed.

“Honestly fuck you mom. You ruined everything. It didn’t matter that much. I promise it didn’t fucking matter. You sacrificed your child for what? Money? It wouldn’t even be yours. It’s my money. And I don’t even want it. You didn’t let me live. I’ve never had a life all because you always needed me to do better to be better so that father would choose me. Would make me heir. And now that I am heir I don’t even know who to be. I don’t know who I am or what I like or anything. So fuck you. You fucked me up. And you did it for nothing.” Machi let out one final scream without any words.

She breathed heavily, each inhalation looked like it hurt to take in. The air seemed to ring in the absence of sound. Machi had tears on her cheeks, but… she was smiling. Kakeru smirked down at the ground. He was always right.

“Yun-Yuuuun,” Kakeru crowed, “you’re next.”

Yuki grabbed a chunk of his hoodie in one hand. He wasn’t looking at either of them.

“Yun-Yun?” Kakeru questioned, drunk mind (and sober mind) incapable of picking up on social cues, “Come on do it.” Kakeru tugged on Yuki’s arm prompting him to elbow him in the side with a glare. But the look lacked heat and the elbow lacked strength. He was just posturing.

Yuki stepped up to the bridge railing reaching out his hands to hold onto the chilly metal. He took in a breath of air that caught in the middle of his throat. Then, he let loose.

They were there for a long while.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember kiddos! Real therapy is expensive shooting off a bridge is free!  
> ALSO For Yuki's super hot tight awooga compression pants + outfit I was basically imagining this https://ae01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1qnN_OVXXXXbwapXXq6xXFXXXF/Men-s-Compression-Running-Suits-Three-Clothes-Sports-Set-Jackets-Shorts-and-Pants-Joggers-Gym-Fitness.jpg  
> With a blue hoodie over top. But like a slim running hoodie. Not a hoodie hoodie. <3


End file.
